Shakespeare said that April is the cruelest month. I say that it's February.
We start it off by trusting our meteorological predictions to a rodent. Groundhog Day made for a great movie that I've watched more times than I can remember (ba bum bum) but it's a stupid way to kick off a month.
Next we have Valentine's Day. A day that will live in infamy as giving every human being who wasn't born to be part of the popular crowd a complex that they will have to work to shed for the rest of their life. Whose idea was it that kids had to pass out Valentine's? And it doesn't matter if you pass the rule that EVERYONE gets a Valentine, the cool kids know exactly which ones to pick from the bottom of the stack to give to their classmates to let them know full well that they know they have cooties. And everyone else their age knows it too.
VD (what a fitting acronym) doesn't get any better as you get older, kids. It gets more expensive for you if you're one of the poor schmucks still trying to impress that cute little blonde from the second grade first row. And it gets sadder if you're the girl who still hasn't grown into her long legs and nose. Whoever thought up this day of celebrating love (and I'm looking at you Hallmark) should be kicked right in the bazingas. Twice. Even if you're one of the lucky ones who has a mate on Valentine's Day, we all know we're always just one wrinkled Sylvester the Cat Valentine in a box full of lacy flowered ones away from being among the pitied.
Then we have President's Day. I used to love this one. I was Abraham Lincoln in my first grade PD play. I memorized the Gettysburg Address when my classmates had a hard time even reading it. I was hauled around town like a price heifer once the news got out, and I performed my heart out until it became just a bunch of words. Then I found out that Lincoln wasn't really a wonderful person, he was a great orator and politician. He didn't really have a great love for black people (in fact he went on record as stating he wanted them all removed from the country and went so far as to start a test colony for them on a remote island that failed miserably, to his great chagrin). He used them as a bargaining chip to get his way politically, and used the Emancipation Proclamation to carry him into the annals of history...without mention that the proclamation did not free slaves in Northern states, only southern, where most were already freed. All of that knowledge was a bitter pill to swallow. The fact that I researched all of that in the period of time when I was internet dating and experiencing one bad date after another, including the most miserable of all on Valentine's Day, made me ever certain that no matter what any other month offers, February is without doubt the cruelest.
THAT'S MY STORY
I've never been normal. I've never tried to be. I can't imagine anything more boring.
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