As I try to remember how to live, I'm realizing that that is very hard work indeed. I should be losing weight with all the extra walking I've been doing lately being forced to go to various places to stand in line to fill out forms and deliver documents (picking up the death certificate was so hard). Tremendously painful on my bum knee, but things must be done. Life does go on, and no matter how much I feel like just rolling up in a ball in the corner and waiting for someone to rescue me, facts are facts and there are no knights on white horses any more and I'm the only that can rescue me. Luckily I know myself pretty well, so I know where to start.
I would love to get a job and get some structure in my life, but that's impossible. (I am applying for SSI Disability) So I've started setting an alarm to go to bed and one to wake up. Only one of those works. Okay, neither one does. But I'm still trying. I set three goals for every day. I learned quickly to set the bar low so I could feel good about completing them. Today my goal was to tear out more carpet in my bedroom, wash the dishes and sweep the living room floor. The floor is swept, another 4x10 area of bare floor is exposed in the bedroom (I'm tearing it out a square at a time to make it manageable. And makes me feel like I'm getting more accomplished. I wrote a chapter in a new book and did more line editing in one that's awaiting publication. I cleaned out the sink so I can wash dishes easier (it was full of plants being watered) and the living room has been swept. Damn dishes. Did mention the dishwasher died just before Clark did?
If a cop walked into my house right now he would make the report "There are signs of an apparent struggle. The place has obviously been ransacked." You can barely walk down the hall filled with furniture out of the bedroom. I couldn't get the beds out, so I just keep rolling them around out of the way. I managed to pull not only a lot of carpet, but also that muscle under my shoulder blade that gives me so much trouble. (If I hadn't had a CT scan during an episode with it, I'd be sure my cancer had spread. Obviously it still crosses my mind. Muscle relaxers don't help. Driving off of a cliff is the only thing that might do it, but I'm still pondering that thought.) The kitchen is upside down with half of the cabinet tops tiled last weekend and the rest still needing grout. Meanwhile, the copious amounts of gadgets that usually line the counter tops are in teetering piles all around the kitchen. The dining room table is still loaded with stuff that has to be gone through. It still makes me tear up when I find notes from Clark. I have five huge bags of clothes to go to charity with more that need to go.
Living alone is a whole new ballgame for me. I have never done it. Last Monday marked the longest I'd ever stayed alone. Three weeks. I'm still wandering around trying to remember what day it is and what was it I came in here for? I'm trying to stay busy so I don't think too much (I'm in no condition to be making decisions about anything). But I find myself writing a few paragraphs and opening my mouth to call out "listen to this and see what you think." But, there's no one there. I get hungry and open my mouth to ask "what do you want for supper?" But there's no one there. At night my nightmares awaken me and I reach out a hand in the darkness. But there is no one there. I know it will get easier. I don't really mind being alone. I like solitude. I like me and I enjoy my company. But I miss the companionship of having someone in the house who was always willing to drop everything and go on a journey down backroads we'd never driven before, go for ice cream at midnight or decide one night to go on vacation the next day and just do it. I know those backroads are still there, and I can certainly go on vacation by myself. But, I'm used to being a part, not the whole. I want someone to hold me again and tell me "You will be ok." But, there's no one there.
THAT'S MY STORY
I've never been normal. I've never tried to be. I can't imagine anything more boring.
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