I'm finally beginning to get my feet back underneath me after the worst couple of months of my life.
I had mentioned my husband's illness. He went into the hospital in late October to be treated for drug-resistant pneumonia. He was in ICU for 10 days and a regular room for 3. During that time he underwent surgery to "clean out" his lungs using a fluid flush, etc. During the treatment the surgeon discovered a cancerous tumor in his lung. He was somewhat nonchalant about it, saying it looked like it would be easily removed and as it was squamous cell it should be treatable. As a two-time cancer survivor myself, I didn't panic. I was sad but not terrified. Yet.
We went straight to an oncologist when they released him from the hospital, literally straight there without stopping off at home. The oncologist's view was starkly different from that of the surgeon. We were told that he had six months to a year to live. He declined severe treatments that could have only extended his life by a few months. His health continued to decline and he went into hospice ten days later and passed away on November 21. Our path had had a lot of rocks in it, we were very different in so many things and so alike in others that it was difficult for us to understand each other. Even at its worst, we always knew the other cared. I never stopped loving him, even when I didn't like him very much.
So now, instead of the life change I expected my world was turned completely upside down. Watching someone you care about fade away and then suddenly disappear is heart wrenching. I don't know how people do it for prolonged times. He was very ready to go and he had no fear of death. His last words to me were "You're going to be OK. It's going to be OK." I have to believe him. He was never wrong. (I smiled when I wrote that.)
I've had way too much death in my life, and not enough life in my years. I would like to say that I'm looking ahead to being able to do the things I've always wanted to do, finish off my Bucket List, and live every day to its fullest. Unfortunately that won't be possible. In an office glitch of some sort, his life insurance policy did not get swapped over to be deducted from his retirement check when he retired. So, no life insurance (although no one can show me when it was cancelled, how or why). I am too young for Social Security Survivor's Benefits (18 months) so I will be very grateful if and when the State of Alabama can figure out how to switch his retirement checks (minimal, but should keep the electricity turned on at least) to me. Meanwhile I'm paying bills through the generosity of friends (I'm sure they just donated to the dogs to make sure they were warm and well fed but it has to go through my bank account) and there is no extra to do anything more than survive. I am grateful to have my home and my dogs and cats and my car. I know a lot of people have much less.
Please think of me and send well wishes in any form you choose...chants, prayers, using my Amazon affiliate link (on the home page and the bookshelf page here), or just sent positive thoughts out into the universe. I keep running the words to an old song through my head. "Why has the music stopped? Where did all the happy people go? I know they were there, songs everywhere, only a moment ago. I only blinked my eyes, and now the world is changing on me, oh why can't it be, only a moment ago? ....Only a moment ago, it was spring and I was singing. Only a moment ago, I couldn't see where the road would lead and what tomorrow was bringing."
So true. Never forget that a single moment can change your life. Be grateful for what you have and tell those you love that you love them. Far too soon you too will be asking "Why can't it be only a moment ago."
THAT'S MY STORY
I've never been normal. I've never tried to be. I can't imagine anything more boring.
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