A few days late, but HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I going to TRY to be a better personal blogger in the months ahead. I really am. It's not like life doesn't present lots of subject matter, or that I don't have absolutely any extra time (let's face it, I could do without at least a few dozen games of Candy Crush Soda every day and the creek won't go anywhere if I don't walk down and sit beside it). My excuse since December 30 is that I haven't been home. Please don't ask if I forgot to bring along my laptop, you know I promised I'd never lie to you.
I'm in Florida visiting friends (still). Running away from home. Trying to find myself. I am looking forward to lots of changes in the year ahead. In myself, in my surroundings, in my personal life, in my career and maybe even an address. Who knows? I'm not interested in "reinventing" myself. I just want to figure out who I already am. Who I'm supposed to be, underneath all of the chamoflage I've put on over the last decade to protect myself and please others.
I started this New Me-ness by going to Flagler Beach last weekend with my friends Lori and Donald, planting my feet in the sand, spreading my arms open to the heavens and shouting into the thunder of the waves "Look at me, Universe! I have taken everything you have thrown at me this year and I'm still standing. Look out world, here I come." It wasn't planned. It wasn't rehearsed. But Lori snapped me with her phone, and I think the snapshot will be going on the wall above my desk to remind me when I get down again that I really have come through some pretty tough spots without succumbing to the darkness that I wanted to jump into, or letting it turn me completely into someone I'm not.
It sounds somewhat arrogant to say it, but I'm proud of me. In the last decade I've faced every one of the demons that have plagued me since I was a child, I looked them in the eye and they blinked first. I'm not Superwoman by any stretch of the imagination. But, I've proved I'm tougher than I look. Tougher than I feel. And tougher than I ever want to have to prove again.
When my husband found out he was dying, he told me the one thing he would ask of me would be for me to not waste time after he died before beginning to do all of the things I wanted to do. While I still could. He never shed any tears as he said that he welcomed death, as an end to his days of "sitting by the window and wishing, but not being able to do." And so I am following his wishes.
I can't go crazy following my dreams, I can't afford to. I can live comfortably on what I make for myself, but without a lot of extras. So, I'm going to be pushing it this next year to bring in more income, so I can play more and play harder. I want to parachute from an airplane. I want to drive cross country (hopefully in an RV), I want to get my house finished and be able to entertain. When I've finished the renovation on my barn/workshop, I'm looking forward to meeting new people as they rent it looking for someplace quiet to write or meditate or just get away from their world for a while. I have so many things on my Bucket List, but so many of them I really had planned on having a companion to do them with me.
I like living alone. But, I do not like the "being" alone. I hope there is someone out there that will fit into the empty spot in my soul and my heart. I'm in no rush. But I'm not ruling out possibilities. And I'm not waiting around on them to find me. Life starts anew every morning. And every day when I see the sunshine I am grateful that I was blessed with another chance.
As I told the waves on that brisk December day last week..."Look out world, here I come!"
THAT'S MY STORY
I've never been normal. I've never tried to be. I can't imagine anything more boring.
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